Honesty/ Integrity/ Yoga

By Michael DeCorte, 889 Yoga Teacher

So I’m in my apartment in the west end having a restless evening. Dinner is done, dishes are done and now I’m writing a blog post for the lovely 889 Yoga.

Truth be told, I didn’t want to eat healthily today, nor did I want to do my dishes or write this blog. I wanted to procrastinate, eat pizza and leave the household chores for later. However, my guru Brian, a former alcoholic and addict now sober for 30 years, always insists that I engage in activities that invest in my self-esteem and self-love. Why? Because as a recovering addict myself, left to my own devices I end up with a spiritual disconnection that leaves me extremely self-centred in a depressive type way—I’m not much at all, but I’m all I think about. This obsession with my negative feelings is exactly why I always returned to drinking and drugging despite my inability to stop once I had started, and despite numerous stays in rehab and mental institutions.

Why am I so open about this?

After many years of struggling with my drug, alcohol and food addiction, I finally surrendered to trying my best to live by the spiritual principles laid before me in a Twelve Step program—the result of which is my upcoming tenth year of sobriety celebration.

It is my belief that in being honest and forthright about my journey, and the fact that turning as best I could toward spirituality, saved my life right up to this day, that I may just be able to carry a message of the vast power of spirit to others who may be stuck; Besides, this is who I am, and I’d rather be hated for it than loved for what I am not. I was once given a book from a peer called, ‘Worthy of Love’. When he handed it to me, he said, “Because you are [Worthy of Love].” In this book I read a statement that really stood out to me: Serenity is the compliment to a life lived with integrity, wherein you are yourself at every moment, trusting that you will be met with unconditional love. This resonated with me because, with all of the self-loathing that was such a part of me, I had become an extreme people-pleaser and co-dependent because I had no real sense of self, and therefore no integrity—I was always being whoever I thought you wanted me to be—terrified to let the real me shine. Therefore, I was lonely and quite incapable of forming real relationships, because I never let the real me show. I now do (most of the time).

Once, a few years into my recovery, I was on an airplane bound for Vancouver, listening to my iPod. I was sitting tightly in between a man and a woman, both whom I had never met. A rock song that I was listening to had just ended, and a new Madonna song came on (I love Madonna). I was suddenly terrified that the people to either side of me would judge me profusely if they were able to hear that I was listening to Madonna. My first instinct led me to turning the iPod over so they could not see the name, and to turn the volume down so they could not hear the music. This is when I had a pivotal moment of clarity—It’s no wonder why I’m alone, I thought to myself, I NEVER let anyone know who I really am. Maybe the people beside me were potential soul mates, and I would never meet them because they would never know who I was, and that I loved Madonna. I sighed, gathered all of the courage that I had in that moment, and I turned the iPod over to let them see if they did, that I was in fact listening to Madonna. How very empowering it felt to live my truth! I was flooded with hope that perhaps all of my long lost dreams might come true—maybe I would fall in love, be successful in a career I loved, and maybe I could be truly happy. Thus began a learning curve for me to honour my truths, and to be myself to the best of my ability. This led me, despite many warnings of a saturated market; to follow my passion for yoga, and to become a teacher. I am very ambitious now, and I speak of it, and I go after it, because I don’t think there’s anything ‘unspiritual’ about being successful and following your dreams. In fact, I think believing in oneself, and loving oneself, and promoting oneself honestly IS living spiritually.

I don’t teach traditional yogic philosophy in my classes, and because of this, I have been accused of being merely an exercise teacher in stretchy pants. So be it. I don’t believe that the pontificating (preaching) of yogic philosophy is effective or helpful if the person teaching it hasn’t lived by those principles his/herself. I do suggest in my classes that my students be honest with themselves to the best of their ability about what they are capable of on the mat, and to try new things—not to just sit out from an arm-balance or something challenging, having given up on themselves before even trying.

A saying that I learned on my own journey is: There is a principle that can act as a bar to all growth; that can keep a person in everlasting ignorance, that principle is contempt prior to investigation. How will you ever know what you could be, if you give up without even trying?

My student (who recently became a teacher) told me that the teacher at her training said to her, “Don’t be spiritual. Be honest.” I couldn’t agree more. I believe that real spirituality is the uncovering of the authentic self (through personal inventory, self-reflection, yoga practice—whatever it takes), and the desire, the work and the perseverance to live honestly and with integrity as the amazing and beautiful being you uncover. That is what I believe a REAL yogi is—faults and all. Maybe you won’t like me for saying this, and though sometimes I can still be quite sensitive, that’s okay by me.

Michael DeCorte